tim dewhurst

THRORGON needs gold to fuel his stolen spaceship back to his own Universe. His ANDROID identifies earth as containing the required amount, but they arrive prehistory when the gold is still in the ground un-mined. He travels forward in time to co-opt local gang leader JESUS CHRIST into helping him escape.

The story begins in biblical Judea with Throrgon offering Jesus untold riches to help him escape. They enact the events of the bible, but Throrgon fails to stop the crucifixion taking place, barely managing to save Jesus’ life.

En route to the future they stop off to ensure the gospels are rewritten to Throrgon’s specifications. They now state that Jesus will return in 2000 years time to lead the righteous to heaven on a Golden Giraffe, which they will have fashioned for him using all their gold.

When they arrive in 2013 the Giraffe isn’t waiting for them, with no prospect of it ever being made. Android is tasked with finding a solution, while Throrgon and Jesus set up home in Salford to learn about modern humans. After a drunken night out they lose contact with the ship and Throrgon is forced to take a job in a call centre.

He discovers music, and through it finds that he has emotions. He falls in love with ANNA, an attractive but downtrodden woman who has sacrificed her own happiness for the sake of her daughter.

Despite regaining contact with the ship, the Giraffe is sidelined as he tries to win Anna’s heart from his Neanderthal supervisor ALAN.

He discovers that you can’t only have positive emotions, and as Anna spurns his advances he finds himself sinking deeper and deeper into a state of depression. The love that once overwhelmed him with joy is replaced by desperation and despair.

Jesus takes charge of the situation by revealing himself to be the Son of God, and commands the commencement of the Golden Giraffe.

In New York, corrupt TV Evangelist Pastor BO JUSTICE, has realised that its construction will likely send him to straight to hell. He must stop its completion at all costs.