掙扎struggles

車禍 Car accident


大約十年前的某一天，我接到哥哥的電話，他焦急地說：「爸爸出車禍了，趕快回家！」我與老婆急忙趕回老家，抵達醫院急診室時，爸爸已躺在病床上，看起來奄奄一息。醫生說明爸爸因腦出血，必須立即送進加護病房，並表示當晚將是關鍵。所幸爸爸命大，熬過了那一晚；然而不幸的是，他從此失去了與外界的聯繫。
About ten years ago, on a certain day, I received an urgent phone call from my brother, who exclaimed, "Dad’s been in a car accident! Hurry home!" My wife and I immediately rushed back to our hometown. Upon arriving at the hospital's emergency room, we found my father lying on a bed, barely clinging to life. The ER doctor explained that Dad had suffered a brain hemorrhage and needed to be transferred to the ICU, adding that the upcoming night would be critical. Fortunately, my father miraculously made it through that night; however, he subsequently lost all contact with the outside world.

我爸爸每次飲酒後都會性情大變，而且越喝越清醒，話語也從原本的沉默寡言變得滔滔不絕，情緒激昂，簡直就像張惠妹的歌曲《三天三夜》所描繪的情境一般。他彷彿變成了哲學家，出口成章，開始評論起社會時事。我們家人對此也習以為常，心想「他又來了」。大家都認為他不適合飲酒，因為醉酒後的他就像個瘋子，這點與我阿公簡直如出一轍。爺倆還經常相約外出喝酒，這真的讓我媽媽跟我阿嬤非常生氣，簡直就像要爆炸了一樣。
My father's personality would drastically change every time he drank. The more he consumed, the more lucid he became, transforming from taciturn to voluble. His emotions would surge dramatically, almost akin to the vibrant energy depicted in Katy Perry’s song 'Roar.' Our family grew accustomed to it, often thinking, "Here he goes again." Everyone believed he shouldn't drink, as he'd become like a lunatic when drunk—a trait remarkably similar to my grandfather. The two of them frequently went out for drinks together, which deeply infuriated my mom and grandma, sending them into a furious rage.

那時我還住在家裡，常常扮演救火隊的角色，把他們帶回家，避免他們父子倆惹出更大的麻煩，也安撫媽媽和阿嬤的怒火。與其說她們生氣，不如說是擔心，擔心有一天真的會出事。沒想到，真的發生了！雖然不是酒駕，但卻是因為喝酒誤事：他酒後過馬路時，沒有注意到來車，結果被撞飛，頭部撞擊地面，造成腦內出血。這雖然只是一件再尋常不過的交通事故，但發生在自己爸爸身上，卻是痛徹心扉！
Back when I still lived at home, I often played the role of firefighter, bringing them home to prevent bigger troubles and quelling my mother and grandmother's anger. More than anger, it was a profound worry—a fear that their worst anxieties would someday come to pass. And indeed, that day truly arrived! Although it wasn't drunk driving, the accident was a direct consequence of his drinking. While crossing the road after drinking, he failed to notice an oncoming car, was struck, and thrown, his head impacting the ground and causing a brain hemorrhage. What might seem like a common traffic accident to others was, for me, a profoundly heartbreaking ordeal because it happened to my own father.

從那個意外後，我爸爸因為腦傷，彷彿掉進他自己的宇宙黑洞裡，在自己的世界裡掙扎著，而我們也因此而被迫拉進他的太空迷霧裡，找尋人生的方向及意義。
After that accident, Dad's brain injury seemed to plunge him into his own cosmic black hole, where he struggled within his own world. Consequently, we were drawn into his cosmic haze, searching for life's direction and meaning.


以上內容節錄自《掙扎Struggles》Sky Show◎著．白象文化出版
更多精彩內容請見
http://www.pressstore.com.tw/freereading/9786263647275.pdf

車禍 Car accident


大約十年前的某一天，我接到哥哥的電話，他焦急地說：「爸爸出車禍了，趕快回家！」我與老婆急忙趕回老家，抵達醫院急診室時，爸爸已躺在病床上，看起來奄奄一息。醫生說明爸爸因腦出血，必須立即送進加護病房，並表示當晚將是關鍵。所幸爸爸命大，熬過了那一晚；然而不幸的是，他從此失去了與外界的聯繫。
About ten years ago, on a certain day, I received an urgent phone call from my brother, who exclaimed, "Dad’s been in a car accident! Hurry home!" My wife and I immediately rushed back to our ho...

有一天，在某個不經意的時間點，我突然想為這十幾年的歷程留下一些什麼。如果要用兩個字形容這些年的經歷、人事物，我想了又想，大概就是「掙扎」。
One day, at a seemingly random moment, I felt the urge to write something to remember the past decade. If I had to sum up all the people, events, and feelings of this decade in just two words, it would be: "Struggle.".

年輕的時候，或許是在「掙扎」，卻不知道自己在為什麼而努力，沒有方向、沒有目標，只是勉強自己念書應付學校課業，只覺得長大了要找份工作，能養活自己就好；擺脫了學校，我才發現，我從來不喜歡那樣的生活。真正踏入社會後，才明白，生活本來就是一場接著一場的掙扎。為了生存、為了責任，為了愛與不得不愛的牽絆。
Back when I was young, I might have been struggling—but I didn’t know what for. There was no direction, no clear goal. I forced myself through school just to get by. I thought all I needed was a job to survive. That was my only aim.
But as I grew up, I realized that life itself is made up of struggle—survival, responsibilities, love, and loss.

這十幾年最大的不同，是掙扎變得真實而沉重。我結了婚，有了兩個孩子。爸爸出了車禍，如今幾乎是植物人的狀態，生活無法自理，語言錯亂，情緒混沌，大小便失禁。他的腦袋彷彿困在一場無盡的迷霧中，唯一清晰的情緒，只剩下「哀」。那種哀，深入骨髓，寫在他眉眼間；我多麼想再看見他笑一次，聽他醉後說些憤世嫉俗的大道理。我想念他的笑聲，也想念那碗他親手煮的麵線糊。
The biggest difference in these past ten years is how real and heavy the struggle has become. I got married. I have two kids. And then, my father had a car accident that changed everything. His brain was severely injured. He’s now close to a vegetative state. He can’t take care of himself. He can’t express himself. He’s lost control of his body, and his mind is far away, beyond my reach. The only emotion he seems to show now is sadness—a deep, quiet sorrow etched into his eyebrows and face. It breaks my heart. I would give anything to see him smile again, to hear him drunkenly rant about life, the world, and his strange, cynical wisdom. I miss his voice. I miss his noodle soup.

親愛的爸爸，我不知道你該怎麼辦，也知道你無能為力。但如果可以，請繼續陪我們走下去；即使只是靜靜地坐在輪椅上看著我們，也是一種力量。
My dear father, I don’t know what else to ask of you now. I know there’s not much you can do. But even if you’re just watching us quietly from your wheelchair, please, be with us. Please, guide us— just one more time.

本書獻給我的父母，特別是我的媽媽，她是我生命中的戰神、我的偶像；也感謝我最好的朋友，也是我的老婆，平日細心照顧小孩及我的生活，互相分享生活中的酸甜苦辣。另外也謝謝家人的付出及陪伴，我的人生有你們的陪伴，我很富足；為了鼓勵小孩明白學習英文是為了溝通，而非應付考試，本書也提供英文協助導讀，如有不盡之處，還請多多包涵。
This book is dedicated to my parents, especially my mother—the answer and idol of my life. I also wish to thank my best friend and loving wife for her meticulous care of our children and our home. We share life's every up and down, and for that, I am incredibly grateful. Furthermore, my deepest gratitude goes to my entire family for their unwavering support and companionship. My life is truly rich and full with you all by my side. To encourage my children to understand that learning English is a tool for communication, not merely for passing exams, this book includes an English companion guide. I hope you will forgive any imperfections or shortcomings. 

有一天，在某個不經意的時間點，我突然想為這十幾年的歷程留下一些什麼。如果要用兩個字形容這些年的經歷、人事物，我想了又想，大概就是「掙扎」。
One day, at a seemingly random moment, I felt the urge to write something to remember the past decade. If I had to sum up all the people, events, and feelings of this decade in just two words, it would be: "Struggle.".

年輕的時候，或許是在「掙扎」，卻不知道自己在為什麼而努力，沒有方向、沒有目標，只是勉強自己念書應付學校課業，只覺得長大了要找份工作，能養活自己...