Meta-Bleedin'-Morphosis

One night in a London pub in the 1990's I ran into a man who claimed to be the actor Michael Caine. The man said (in a thick Cockney accent): "'ere mate, if yer buy me a beer I will recite the bloomin' 'oole of Franz Kafka's classic tale of alienation, 'Metamorphosis,' also known as 'Die Verwandlung.' If, however, yer chose not ter ffen I shall kick yer in the bleedin' balls." As I value my balls very much I agreed... And so here is Kafka's 'Metamorphosis,' as retold by a man in a pub who looked like, and who said that he was, Michael Caine. He may have been Michael Caine, I don't know, it was hard to tell. The pub was really dark and well, I'd had a few pints.