I Think Therefore I Fee: A Lawyer's Candid Confessions

I Think Therefore I Fee: A Lawyer’s Candid Confessions is a 10,000 word tour de force of rhyming verse and legal satire.

Written by a lawyer, it educates the reader about how bad some lawyers really are, warning them to be wary of lawyers, even if they seem benign: “We may appear to be sincere, But don’t be fooled for we are schooled, In all the sorts of crime and sin, And every way to take you in”.

The book is narrated by Mr. Guttersneak, who starts by describing his own checkered career, dating from his experiences as a law student: “When I was young, I went to uni, To have the law imparted to me. But while I often paid attention, I can’t recall a single mention, Of things that might be fair or just, I never heard such things discussed”.

He catalogues his deceit of naïve clients, including how he “settled every case too soon, To gain his fees with greater ease, And reach the golf course prior to noon”.

He has advice for young lawyers, such as: “Don’t be shy to tell a lie, Just look the judges in the eye, And spout your fiction with conviction” and “Don’t be frank and don’t be candid, Do be sly and underhanded, And never tell them all the story, Should your aim be legal glory”.

He then sells out his fellow lawyers, including judges, by exposing and making fun of their various failures. For example:

-Mr. Ignoramus, who specializes in defending the guilty: “No matter what your sin, he could save your rotten skin, and make you look legit, so the jury would acquit”;

-The greedy Mr. Dollarsnatch: He paid no heed to those in need, he’d never been a nice guy, And built his fees through legalese, he wasn’t a concise guy, But had a grand collection and a consummate command, Of words and phrases hard to say, and hard to understand”;

The book envisages an apocalypse and judgement day – just for lawyers: “Upon midnight there comes a light, so bright it seems like noon, A gavel pounds, its fearful sound begins their day of doom”.

The lawyers are forced to defend themselves outside the pearly gates: “For misdeeds vile they’ll have a trial, with judgement strict of course, For all the wrong for centuries long, they wrought without remorse”.

A few lawyers admit their wrongdoing: “How wrong we were to ever err, and how we’ve come to rue it. We wish we had not been so bad, for now we can’t undo it”.

They promise to do better in future: “And every law and every rule in the future we foresee, Will be true to truth and fairness, we give our guarantee”.

Most lawyers, however, try to defend or make excuses for all their wrongdoing in order to be admitted to heaven: The lawyers grin, they think they’ll win, since in defending crime, They are well read, it’s buttered bread, they do it all the time.

They make a series of unconvincing or absurd excuses for their bad behavior, for example “We’ve bills to pay like all the rest, It costs a packet for the best. The price is steep for private schools, nor is it cheap for swimming pools”.

The lawyers seem to be in danger of losing their case: “Their wigs now fall, and many bawl, It seems they’ll soon be toast. Their law books first to flames have burst, And most give up the ghost”. Then Mr Ignoramus takes center stage to defend the lawyers. He speaks like Nostradamus, but is he the man to plot a plan, to save their Judgement Day?