How to Be an Ex-Footballer

The first truly insider guide to being a Premiership footballer, from Britain’s funniest sporting icon

Very funny on almost every page, wonderfully self-deprecating and very sharp on the ludicrous behaviour of the modern player’ -Sunday Times
’The funniest man in British sport’ - Metro
**ASunday TimesSports Book of the Year****Shortlisted for the National Book Awards****Longlisted for theTelegraphSports Book Awards Autobiography of the Year**
You become a footballer because you love football. And then you are a footballer, and you’re suddenly in the strangest, most baffling world of all. A world where one team-mate comes to training in a bright red suit with matching top-hat, cane and glasses, without any actual glass in them, and another has so many sports cars they forget they have left a Porsche at the train station. Even when their surname is incorporated in the registration plate.
So walk with me into the dressing-room, to find out which players refuse to touch a football before a game, to discover why a load of millionaires never have any shower-gel, and to hear what Cristiano Ronaldo says when he looks at himself in the mirror.
We will go into post-match interviews, make fools of ourselves on social media and try to ensure that we never again pay 250 for a haircut that should have cost a tenner. We’ll be coached and cajoled by Harry Redknapp, upset Rafa Benitez and be soothed by the sound of an accordion played by Sven-Goran Eriksson’s assistant Tord Grip. There will be some very bad music and some very bad decisions.
I am Peter Crouch. This isHow To Be A Footballer. Shall we?

Peter Crouch was a professional footballer for over 20 years. He scored over 100 Premier League goals, has 42 England caps and holds the record for the most headed goals in Premier League history. He’s now a bestselling author, award-winning podcast host and champion of grassroots football.