Life Wants You Dead: A Calm, Rational, and Totally Legit Guide to Scaring Yourself Safe

＂Life wants you dead, and this book wants to be READ! Ha ha I love being a comedian.＂ --Patton Oswalt

＂Truly hilarious!＂ --Jack Handey, author of Deep Thoughts

Fear!!! Scary, right? But what if the only thing we shouldn’t fear is fear itself?

In this era of economic turmoil, climate catastrophe, and cliques of cool teens just waiting to make fun of your shoes, we live in a heightened state of fear. We’re afraid of the world and afraid of each other--but not nearly as afraid as we should be! And this absurdly hilarious survival guide demonstrates that being afraid of literally everything is the only guaranteed way to stay safe. Packed with lifesaving/fear-fanning illustrations, sidebars, jump scares, chilling one-liners, and more, these pages will keep readers safe from the scourges of love, technology, birds, education, jackalopes, their own bodies, their homes, and the world outside their own bodies and homes. Includes a bonus foldout Fear Map lurking in the inside back cover.

A BOOK TO KEEP YOU SAFE IN THESE ANXIOUS TIMES: Anxious and fearful about the state of the world? Friend, you are not frightened enough! Never mind the asteroid hurtling toward Earth. That bird over there? It’s just waiting for the chance to swoop down and peck at your eyes. Your shoelaces? Trying to strangle your feet. From the stop signs obviously attempting to dead-end your life to that creep in the mirror who looks exactly like you, danger is everywhere. And your best survival strategy is to be afraid of everything at all times.

SEVEN SCARY CHAPTERS TO KEEP YOU COMPREHENSIVELY APPREHENSIVE:

• Your Body: It Isn’t a F*cking Wonderland, John Mayer
• Love: They’re Trying to Steal Your Heart!!!
• Home Is Where the Harm Is: You’re in a Hallway to Hell
• Go Go Gadget Death: Surviving the Techpocalypse
• The Hippocratic Hoax: Defeating the Medical Menace
• Mind-Fucked: How Education Kills
• Be the Fear You Want to Flee in the World

THE BOOK ITSELF IS A THREAT: With pointy hardcover corners, pages that could slap you, and a removable foldout Fear Map ready to strike at your nerves from the book’s inside back cover, this humor book is unsafe to buy for yourself or to give as a gift to everyone you love.

Perfect for:

• Comedy fans of The Onion, ClickHole, The Daily Show, and Last Week Tonight with John Oliver
• Fear-ridden readers of The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook
• Anyone in need of a laugh in these anxiety-driven times

Evan Waite is a co-executive producer on FOX’s Family Guy. Prior to that, he wrote on the Emmy-nominated final season of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, NBC’s Sunnyside, The President Show, Our Cartoon President, Fairfax, and Kevin Hart’s Guide to Black History. He won a Writers Guild Award for his work on Adult Swim’s Three Busy Debras. In the print humor world, he contributes to The Onion, the New Yorker’s ＂Shouts & Murmurs,＂ and McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. He has also written for MAD magazine, ClickHole, and Funny or Die. He lives in Los Angeles and can be found on Twitter at @TheOhBits.

Paula Searing is a graphic designer and illustrator living in upstate New York. She’s worked with various comedy platforms such as CollegeHumor, Dropout, ClickHole, and Big Money Players Network. Her illustrations have been seen in the New York Times, The Baffler, and BuzzFeed. You can find her work at paulasearing.com.