In Cthulhu We Trust: The Collected Advice of Dear Cthulhu Vol. 8

Betrayed by those closest to you? Think everyone is out to get you? They probably are. To get through life, you need to remember just one thing-In Cthulhu We Trust.

Dear Cthulhu,

It’s me again, the lady who literally loves a duck. I took your advice about trying out men again including going to a bar at last call. I went a few towns over so I wouldn’t see anyone who’d recognize me and picked up the best-looking guy still there at three in the morning. He was drunk but could still stumble to my car. He was game, so I took him home. You are right about him being willing to wear a duck mask while we made sexy time. He wasn’t Mallard, but it was less complicated and fun. The guy was so drunk his world must have been spinning because he was holding on tight and pumping like he was trying not to fall off of me. I started to scream and moan as things got good and then realized my mistake. I hadn’t closed or locked my bedroom door. It turns out Mallard is a very jealous duck. When he entered my bedroom and saw the man in the duck mask on top of me, Mallard flew at his face and started pecking at the mask. The mask spun so the drunk guy couldn’t see out the eye holes. He got off me, trying to get away from the feathers of fury attacking him. He ended up tripping over his own boots and smashing his head on my footboard. I took the mask off and checked his neck like you see people do on TV. He had no pulse, so I tried mouth-to-mouth and CPR but Mallard started attacking my face. I ended up having to hide in my closet until my duck calmed down and left the room. I rushed back to the guy but by then it was too late. The guy I’d picked up at the bar was dead. I thought about calling the cops but they put down bears and other animals that kill people and I didn’t want them to kill Mallard, so 911 wasn’t an option. I had no idea what I should do with the body, but I still hadn’t forgiven my ex-boyfriend Donald for all the pain and torture his cheating put me through. I dragged the corpse and put it in my trunk then drove and dumped the dead body in Donald’s backyard. No one must’ve seen me because the cops arrested my ex. The news (I’m in Duluth, Georgia, not Minnesota) says it looks like he’s going to take a plea deal to avoid the death penalty. Donald was a total rat bastard but I still feel a tad guilty. Should I send an anonymous letter to the police letting them know they have the wrong guy? I mean I don’t want to go to jail but shouldn’t I do something? After all, I used to think I was in love with Donald.

-Love A Duck Who Killed A Man Dressed As A Duck While We Were Making Love In Duluth

Dear Duluth,

Penning any sort of correspondence to the authorities will likely not change your ex-boyfriend’s fate. District attorneys prefer a sure thing to a convoluted explanation. Worse for you, someone might be curious enough to look into what you wrote. If their investigation uncovers fingerprints or any sort of DNA and you or a family member is in a database, it could lead back to you. You could claim that as his ex-girlfriend you were trying to help but if your cleaning wipes weren’t thorough enough, you could have left DNA evidence on the corpse. If they find something on their own and come after you, you might be best to present a defense that your ex was jealous and attacked the dead man after the two of you made love. And because it was a one-night stand and you never exchanged names, you had no idea that you knew the victim who had died.