章節試閱
Monday 01
Gossip from the Girls’ Room
Katie told Amber that Megan cheated on the big math test.
Amber said the answers were written on Megan’s shoe!
I couldn’t help but accidentally overhear gossip in the girls’ room today. Mia St. Claire and Alissa were talking (actually, they were whispering, so I had to overhear very carefully). They didn’t realize I was in the far left bathroom stall, the one at the very, very end. The reason they didn’t know I was in that very last stall, aside from me being super-discreet, is that NOBODY ever goes in there. On purpose. Ever since someone stunk up that stall really, horribly bad three months ago. And everyone knows that it’s still stink-haunted.
The only reason I, Sofia Becker, used that Stink-Haunted Stall is because all of the other stalls were occupied and I really had no choice. It was either that or take the chance of being called Puddles the rest of my sixth-grade life. And possibly seventh.
Mia St. Claire is only THE most popular girl in all of Middlebrooke Middle School, for three very obvious reasons:
1. She’s very rich and annoyingly pretty.
2. She has tons of money.
3. She can buy any thing and everything she wants. And she does.
I’m sure people like her for other reasons too, but none of those reasons are obvious enough for me to really know. Or care about, for that matter.
Even though it’s only our first year of middle school, Mia transferred her popularity from elementary school. Who knew popularity was transferable? Apparently, so is non-popularity.
But I have decided why Mia should be the most unpopular girl in all of Middlebrooke Middle School. For three very smart and intelligent reasons:
1. She has so much money she probably blows her nose with it. How gross is that?
2. I am way prettier than her. Even though nobody else thinks so. Except my BFF, Nona. And my parrot, Sam Sam. Even though I might have trained him to whistle at me and call me beautiful. Actually, I barely even remember teaching him that.
3. Mia acts like being super-pretty and totally rich doesn’t matter or something. Everyone knows it’s just an act to rub our noses in her fantasticness.
And really, what kind of a name is Mia St. Claire? “St.” is the abbreviation for street. And “Claire” is a girl’s first name. See what I mean? I think it’s just another way for her to be all show-offy about her tons of money. I bet her real last name is something non-richy-sounding and even totally boring. Like Snuffledorf or Gickerbob. Or Blah.
But definitely not Becker.
Back to the Girls’ room . . .
Okay, this is what I heard Mia say to Alissa, a seventh grader who’s not popular, but not totally unpopular either. Actually, just talking to Mia bumped her up on the popularity scale by 3 points. But she did start talking to Mia first, so -1 point for that.
I have filled in the blanks in the spots where I couldn’t actually hear every word, but I’m pretty positive about what was being said:
Alissa: Your hair is so fabulous.
Mia: Isn’t it? I love myself so much.
Alissa: So, guess what I heard?
Mia: What?
Alissa: Someone has a crush on you.
Mia: Of course. Doesn’t everyone? I’m totally wonderful. Who is it?
Alissa: Well, I heard Andrew talking to Josh about you and . . .
WHAT?! Andrew is crushing on Mia St. Claire?
That’s where I stopped overhearing. Because at that exact moment my heart was tragically taken out of my chest, thrown on the ground, and trampled on by a thousand elephants into a million tiny pieces.
Andrew can’t like her! He just can’t. Seriously. Because he likes me, Sofia! Sometimes he calls me Barfia, but that’s just a pet name. Boys can be dumb like that. They don’t know how to show their true feelings sometimes. Most of the time. All of the time.
Andrew is not just cute, he is THE cutest guy in all of sixth grade. He’s the class president and he has a sense of humor that makes me spit chocolate milk through my nose.
Love Story Randomness
Once Upon a Time . . .
I tried to show Andrew, in a way he could understand, that I totally like him too.
I just closed my eyes and gently tossed an apple. At him. It’s not my fault I’m a totally awesome sporty chick with a mean throw.
Andrew was really mad, but really, I don’t know what the big deal is. It was only a small concussion.
The Happily Ever After is yet to be determined. Sigh.
星期一 01
女生廁所八卦報
凱蒂跟安柏說梅根數學考試作弊。
安柏說答案就寫在梅根的鞋子上！
我今天不小心在女廁(註)裡聽到一些八卦。聊八卦的是咪亞．聖克萊兒和艾莉莎（事實上，她們比較像在竊竊私語，所以我必須認真偷聽才聽得到）。她們並不曉得我當時正在左側盡頭的那間廁所裡。她們之所以不知道我在那，除了我很小心不被發現外，還因為根本沒人會刻意想進去。自從三個月前有個傢伙把它搞得臭氣沖天之後，大家就刻意避開那間了。而且大家都知道，它到現在還是臭氣逼人。
我，蘇菲亞．貝克，之所以會去用那間臭烘烘的廁所，是因為其他間都有人了，我別無選擇。萬一忍不住尿出來，我接下來整個六年級(註)都要背負「尿尿小童(註)」的臭名。搞不好還一路被叫到七年級。
(註) 女廁一般稱為ladies’ room，男廁是men’s room。但中小學裡廁所多是青少年和兒童在使用，故女廁稱做girls’ room，男廁為boys’ room。廁所裡的小隔間叫做stall。
(註) 美國中學稱為middle school，依地區不同，大致是五到九年級。本書設定中學一年級為六年級，中學二年級為七年級，以此類推。
(註) 這裡的原文為puddles（小水窪），指的是萬一蘇菲亞不幸尿褲子的慘狀，在此譯為尿尿小童，較貼近中文情境。
咪亞．聖克萊兒是密德布克中學最受歡迎的女生。基於以下三個顯而易見的理由：
1.她非常有錢，而且漂亮得要命。
2.她有一大堆的錢。
3.她買得起所有她想要的東西，而且她真的全買了。
我相信大家還有其他喜歡她的理由，但我看不太出來，也不怎麼在乎就是。
雖然我們現在只是中學一年級，咪亞已經把她在小學時代的人氣帶到中學來。以前哪曉得人氣可以帶來帶去？現在任誰都看得出來，沒人氣和高人氣一樣，都會被帶到新環境裡。
但是我認為咪亞應該成為密德布克中學最不受歡迎的女孩，基於底下三個聰明睿智的理由：
1. 她的錢多到可能被她用來擤鼻涕。那該有多噁心啊？
2. 我比她漂亮多了，雖然其他人不這麼認為。除了好姊妹諾娜，跟我家鸚鵡山山之外。我好像訓練過山山對我吹口哨、說我很正，但我不太記得就是了。
3. 咪亞老是一副漂亮有錢也沒什麼了不起的樣子。誰不知道她是要反覆提醒我們她有多棒。
說真的，她怎麼會取「咪亞．聖克萊兒」這種名字呢？「聖」(註)就是指「多到有剩」，「克萊兒」是個女孩名。懂我的意思嗎？這只是她另一種炫耀錢多的方式。她的真實姓氏鐵定是個沒什麼錢味的無趣字眼，像是「屎那麼多」或「雞刻薄」之類的。也許是「卜啦」(註)。
但絕對不會是貝克。
(註) 原文的「聖」是St.，為Saint（聖人）的縮寫，常出現在英文姓氏裡。另外St.也是street（街道）的縮寫，這裡蘇菲亞故意取後者的解釋，以諷刺咪亞給人田產很多的暴發戶印象。
(註) 這三個姓的原文都偏負面意思。「屎那麼多」是Snuffled（鼻塞）的諧音；「雞刻薄」是Gickerbob（從排泄器官延伸的字彙）；「卜啦」是Blah（胡扯、廢話）。
回到女廁來…
我聽到咪亞跟艾莉莎講話。艾莉莎是人氣不上不下的七年級生。事實上，光是跟咪亞說上話，就足以讓她的人氣指數暴衝三點。不過是她主動跟咪亞攀談的，要扣一點回來。
畫線部分是我沒聽清楚，事後自己補上的字。但我很肯定這就是她們對話的內容：
艾莉莎：妳的頭髮真好看。
咪亞：可不是嗎？我愛死我自己了。
艾莉莎：妳有聽說嗎？
咪亞：聽說什麼？
艾莉莎：有人煞到妳了。
咪亞：當然囉，我這麼棒，有誰不愛我？妳說的是誰？
艾莉莎：我聽到安卓跟喬許談到妳，而且……
什麼？安卓煞到咪亞．聖克萊兒？
我從這裡就沒再聽下去了。因為此刻我的心被狠狠地挖出胸膛、丟在地上、還被一千頭大象踐踏成一百萬個小碎片。
安卓不可能喜歡她！就是不可能。真的。因為他喜歡的是我，蘇菲亞！有時候他叫我「吐吠亞」，但這只是個暱稱。男生就是這麼木訥。他們有時候大部分時候總是不懂怎麼表達真實的情感。
安卓不只是帥，他是整個六年級最帥的男生。他還是班長，而且他很幽默，可以逗我笑到把巧克力牛奶從鼻子噴出來。
意外的浪漫插曲
很久很久以前……
我試著以安卓能了解的方式讓他知道我也喜歡他。
我閉起眼睛，輕輕地拋一顆蘋果給他。會狠狠砸到他實在不是我的錯，誰叫我是一個運動神經發達的女孩兒呢？
安卓氣炸了，不過說真的，那不算什麼重傷，只是一點輕微腦震盪。
公主與王子目前還沒開始過著幸福快樂的生活，唉。
Monday 01Gossip from the Girls’ RoomKatie told Amber that Megan cheated on the big math test.Amber said the answers were written on Megan’s shoe!I couldn’t help but accidentally overhear gossip in the girls’ room today. Mia St. Claire and Alissa were talking (actually, they were whispering, so I had to overhear very carefully). They didn’t realize I was in the far left bathroom stall, the one at the very, very end. The reason they didn’t know I was in that very last stall, aside from me be...
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