冉秀惠

　　摘要 這是關於我，一位Truku（太魯閣族）原住民助人工作者自我追尋的歷程，從事原鄉助人工作長達十年，長期處在社工專業的矛盾與困惑、經歷到在原鄉助人工作現場愈是追求社工專業，就愈迷失自我的衝突、及自身生命重大失落的糾結之中，因此決定踏上自我追尋的路，希望可以讓自己的內在達到平衡。 透過敘說探究，我重新理解為何曾想放棄自己所熱愛的助人工作、為何工作中會漸漸失去溫度，我帶著身為Truku的勇氣，勇敢的划向內心深處面對自己的失落，我看見家人在歷史傷痕及社會環境中迷失自我，也看見自己生命中的貧脊之處。當重新貼近自己，「過去」給了我恢復生命的力量。透過自我民族誌，進行著與家人、部落耆老互為主體的敘說，讓本文敍說著自己的生命故事，也敍說著家族的故事。 這是第一次與自己的文化歷史、知識、土地、祖靈連結，所帶來的激動以前不曾有過！當我在當中找到自己、找到了文化的意義、及文化裡所帶來的韌力，釐清自身矛盾與困惑也就此展開。這趟自我追尋的旅程黏合了我斷裂的生命、釐清了內在的矛盾與困惑、也發現族人的社會處境與文化仍然被主流所忽視，因此我內心期盼著社會正義可以落實在社工專業與原住民互為主體性上，我在這裡看到自己的位置與責任1。

　　Abstract It is a life story about me, a Truku aboriginal social worker self-searching journey. I engaged in an aboriginal social work for ten years and long-term in a state of contradictions and confusion. I experienced the more the pursuit of social work professional, the more self-lost conflict I got, and felt my own life is tangled in a major loss. Therefore, I decided to set foot on the road of self-searching and hope to get an inner balance. Through the narrative research, I realized why I wanted to give up my loving helper work, and gradually lose the enthusiasm. Therefore, I hold the courage which Truku ancestors give it to me, with a brave to depths of heart to face the loss in my life. I figured out that the legacies of colonial history influence my families and our people deeply and we all lost ourselves. I also saw the inadequacy in my life, when I getting closer and closer to myself and saw the past , I found the way to restore power of my life. This research also adopted method of autoethnography. Every family member, including myself and tribal elders, share their own story to enrich research data and this is my first time to connect my cultural history, knowledge, land, and ancestor. It makes me feel exciting. During the study, I am not only found myself and understand why I would feel contradiction and confusion, but also discovered the cultural significance meanings and its resilience. The aims of self-searching journey are to repair my broken life, clarify my inner contradiction and confusion. I discovered that the mainstream disregarded Taiwanese indigenous, so I expect that social work profession can respect indigenous culture and emphasize the core value of social justice. According to these discussions, I already found my future position and responsibility2.