John Sloop Biederman

The story opens in the year 2091 with hard drinking, cigar smoking Floyd Pinkerton spiraling out of control in an unknown planet’s atmosphere. Through flashbacks, readers learn that Floyd stole the craft (the Blue Maiden) from his employer on Jupiter’s moon, Ganymede--running away from a broken relationship and unsatisfying life. Tailed by the Sun System Sheriff, he hurriedly executes a “jump” through space (using astrogation to travel large distances) and lands smack into the Place That Should Not Be’s (his name for the planet) atmosphere. The Maiden crashes to the surface. He’s unable to budge the craft and, not mechanically inclined, thus stuck. Fully loaded for weeks with rations, booze and stogies, for a while he drinks, engages in shenanigans and wallows in his fate before turning on a distress beacon (praying to not attract “authority types”) and, via ship computers, assessing the planet outside--a low-gravity ice world. He finally ventures out to explore after hearing a large “crash,” his suit outfitted with a PCAH (Personal Consumption Airlock Helmet, allowing one to drink, smoke, etc.). He finds that another craft has crashed to the surface, an alien-looking, banana-shaped model. Could he be the first human to encounter alien life?... Turns out the craft was piloted by an old Earth nemesis of his, Bob Tripeman, who claims he obtained it from an insect-like alien race, the Zzurkwins, which Floyd highly doubts. Deciding that “Cruizy Suzy” (Bob’s name for the banana-shaped ship) is the only one fixable, Bob gets to work, mooching booze and smokes while taking his sweet time and continually rehashing/exaggerating an Earth-based event back in high school where Bob “saved” Floyd’s life. (Floyd crashed a ground car into a snowy ditch and was stuck. Walking to find help, Bob picked him up and proceeded, for weeks, to milk his “saving” Floyd by mooching booze, smokes and more.) They also share general memories of their childhoods on Earth, now an overpopulated world wherein America has been overtaken by the Crescent Jihad, a militant Islamic group that simply walked in and conquered, with most U.S. citizen zombified by smart devices and even Smart Brain Chips (SBCs). Eventually, they launch Suzy back into space, where they are soon attacked by Zzurkwins, who actually board, wanting their craft back (Bob’s explanation of the turn of events is suspect and short on details). What’s more, Tri-World authorities (Earth, Luna and Mars, the Sun System bodies with appreciable human colonization) make radio contact, wanting them both to turn themselves in! Floyd and Bob attempt to lose their pursuers by piloting an escape pod (large enough to hold most of their supplies) into a nearby asteroid belt, landing upon a large ’roid that happens to house an observatory. Via computers controlling multiple telescopes, they discern the Zzurkwin home planet nearby within the system along with, having little choice, their next destination, a habitable moon of the Zzurkwins’ world curiously populated by…human beings? Just before embarking upon this next leg of their on-the-lam vacation, they stumble upon a remote, real-time feed of a familiar planet--and witness a rather dire fate for their beloved Mother Earth! This book serves as a prelude to a novel series, The Cosmic Misadventures of Floyd Pinkerton, Space Crock.