Owen Fusterbuster

Dirk Squeezer is an ex-Special Forces operative who's gone off the grid after scrubbing public databases of every scrap of information about him except his shoe size (28 EEE). But when the US government finds itself facing an unprecedented crisis, its top security officer knows there's only one man for the job — a man with a steely gaze, an iron constitution, and grotesquely oversized feet — a man who will live strong, fight hard, and die stupid.

Tracked down and recruited for the mission, Squeezer teams up with voluptuous FBI Female Special Agent Robin Sapsucker and infiltrates the hideout of the brilliant, evil, and curiously piglike criminal mastermind Connor Hogshead. Along the way he matches wits with tattooed, sexually ambiguous Swedish computer expert Limpet Salamander, as he struggles to foil Hogshead's plan for world domination — a plan known only by its enigmatic codename: Squirrelageddon.

Packed with tension, stuffed with suspense, and bristling with idiocy, DIE STUPID is a modern masterpiece of moronic mayhem. Check out these unsolicited reviews:

"I wish I were alive to read it!" — William Shakespeare

"A painful experience." — the Marquis de Sade

"That's it! I'm going back in the well." — Little Timmy from LASSIE

Buy DIE STUPID today, and regret it tomorrow ... and for the rest of your life.