Ron Carpol

From his office at a picnic table next to the Andy Gump outhouse at the Venice Pier, ruthless, 27 year-old college freshman Kurt Stafford practices criminal law and guarantees every client total victory, as long as they keep committing more crimes and pay him daily with cash from each job. Then he might have enough money to avoid the FBI's prosecution for bank theft while also mounting a legal attack against his relentless cousin Lyman in their ongoing legal battle for millions. Kurt's unwitting client list of professional criminals include:

• A civil engineer who committed over 2,000 burglaries
• A Cuban expatriate who leaves Kurt a lethal reminder of what to expect if his case is not dismissed
• A freelance mortician who removes murder victims from the crime scene before the police arrive
• And a guy who steals tip jars from Starbucks

They're Kurt's only hope to detour his probable, shackled bus ride to Leavenworth Penitentiary where he'll likely die in custody within a decade and be buried in a pauper's grave. With just a week to repay the stolen money and with only the help from his unscrupulous girlfriend and the second leading DNA expert in the world, they begin an almost insurmountable battle trying to disprove the results of a 99% DNA match against Lyman's DNA expert: the world's leading authority. Written in the first person with sarcasm and hyperbole, and with bawdy language at times, this is a hilarious satire of a modern-day, ruthless Holden Caulfield, whose motto is: SECOND PLACE IS FOR THE FIRST LOSER.